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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Eskbank Metaaaal Scene's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
11:14 pm
So how is Eskbank doing? Not seen it in ages...
Friday, August 27th, 2004
8:27 pm
Recently found in the U-Bend of the toilet in Lord Byron's house in Stoke Newington
"Cantus Eskbankus" or "Childe Harold's pilgrimage to the Eskbank trading with accompanying Berlioz Encylopaedic misunderstanding of the content of said poem through him being too much of a histrionic romantic figure obsessed with presenting his own emotional life through the musical medium and him BEING FROM SPAIN, NOT ESKBANK AND NOT ACTUALLY PLAYING THE PIANO DESPITE BEING A COMPOSER"

"Sing to me, oh malformed bard
Of wondrous things and far-flung truths
Of lands where rivers run with lard
And citizens be'st spectacularly uncouth
Sing to me of Hardengreen
Its fair and fairly fair enough lands
Its' industry and velo-track
And the cuisine be partake in burger vans"
Said the wond'ring perspiring knight
Aseated upon haemmhroid veins
To the travelling minstrel soul
Who was wired quite sadly to the mains
Said knighty "o where for such a place
Where I might rest my weary face
Live out my days in wond'rous peace
On a diet consisting most of yeast"
Said minstrel "I have travelled wide
Seen many ladies foul and fair
But in this land of yours you will rejoice
at the ladies to be found whilst there"
"O" cried most excitable knight
Farting execrably with delight
"Tell me of this Beauteous land
For I am slow and fat of hand"
"Well" said bard now in dismay
For to tell a tale he took all day
For he was known to never fail
To mire himself in pointless detail
"The place we apelle'st itself Eskbank
Is known as birthplace true of God
In every house a septic tank
No soul walks by without a prod
The spirit soars in aesthetic glee
As vigorous walking unveils the sight
A quaint of trips to trading post
To buy sausages on'st a monday night
But cower in fear now little one
And arm thyself unto the teeth
For now is Sexy Alan's domain
And he for one will give thee grief
Clad in Y-fronts, yellowstained
Hid behind the Ancrum wall
Many Lassies twixt the twain
And he has seduced entirely all
But Sexy Alan is no cad
No, bounder, rake or dandy
He is but a morbidly obese unemployed former darts champion
Who is stricken psychotically randy
Best take your leave in public house
Like none you've seen before
All who risk the Justinlees
Must enter by means of door
And thursday bringest finest minds
From miles and miles around
For talk there is of sabotage
Now in the music round
You will find your refuge here
From Sexy Alan's glare
Once too many disgraced himself
Now he be barred'st from there"
"Zounds" said night all in a rage
And shook a falbby fist
"I'll show this Alan a thing or two,
Shame him too exist
Set free this eden from the yoke
Of Y-fronts and a vest
Of manboobs, beergut, TV guide
And fondling of breast"
"Many have tried and fallen so"
Said minstrel to crusader
"Napoleon, Stalin, The Dukes of Hazzard
Che Guevara and Darth Vader"
"I heed no warning" said the chap
And headed on his way
To Eskbank's green and beauteous lands
On this blood-red and fateful day.
For this news had reached Alan's ears
In ambush he would wait
With hairdressing scissors and garden shears
To dish out fateful fate.
The knight was taken by surprise
On Newbattle Road
The look of fear was in his eyes
As Alan to'd and Fro'd
Said Alan "You must die'st now
For plotting there a plotty plot"
But the knight whipped out a bladey blade
And killed him in a jot.
And now Eskbank was free again
And all was blissy bliss
And the knight he sang a bar or two
A lyric that went like this
"Oh stumble gilded men of old
Of cuckolded kneepads and odourous face
Traverse'd the beauteous Dalhousie Road
And nail'd Chris Lyons with a mace."

Scholars have declared it incredibly forward looking in its' inept use of metre and rhyme, however some have deride it as a forgery created by Sir Walter Scott to bemsirch the name of Sexy Alan. Either way, it is a fine addition to our heritage.
Monday, July 12th, 2004
1:25 pm
So what's been happening in lovely Eskbank?

Anyone been checking my old house? I miss it.
Sunday, May 9th, 2004
12:53 pm
Eskbank Quiz - copy, paste into comments section and answer!
1. What is your relationship with Eskbank?
2. What is your opinion of the people of Eskbank?
3. What is your opinion on Sexy Alan?
4. Have you ever seen George V driving his vintage car around Eskbank?
5. If Eskbank was a historical figure who would it be?
6. If Eskbank was a colour what would it be?
7. If Eskbank was a celebrity who would it be?
8. If Sexy Alan was a celebrity, why would that be?
9. If Eskbank was a band, who would it be?
10. If Eskbank was a musical genre what would it be?
11. What is the main religion in Eskbank?
12. What is the native language in Eskbank?
13. What is the general character of the archetypal eskbanker?
14. If Sexy Alan made a porn film in the Justinlees, what would your role be/what would you do?
15. You have been banished from Eskbank, what do you do?
16. What is the average IQ in Eskbank?
17. Who was your favourite doctor who?
18. If eskbank was an odour what would it be?
19. If Eskbank was a beverage what would it be?
20. Name 10 celebrated individuals who secretly live in/are secretly from Eskbank
21. Why gravity?
22. You arrive home. Sexy Alan sits weeping in his Y-fronts in your living room. what do you do?
23. Eskbank people are not renowned for their hospitablity. why do you think this is?
24. Why are Eskbankers (most of them) so much better looking and well-educated than everyone else?
25. Someone stops you outside the Eskbank trading asking for directions to Kirkliston. What do you say?
26. What are Eskbank's definable borders?
27. Say in five words what Eskbank means to you
28. What has Eskbank taught you over the years?
29. What is the regional dress-code of Eskbank?
30. What is the Eskbank moral code?
31. How would you describe Eskbank to a martian invader
32. What is your opinion on the rest of Dalkeith?
33. What, in your opinion is the best thing about Eskbank
34. Worst thing?
35. If Eskbank was declared its' own nation state, who, in your opinion should be made fuhrer?
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
10:22 pm
Seeing as I now live here...

I've made a community, come join! : go_team_pilrig
9:21 pm
Hello Chris! Was nice to meet you on Sat. *waves*
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
11:42 am
i have lived in eskbank for as long as i can remember, and have many a fond memory of this quaint village. i remember, twas the summer of '94 and my family and i moved from our dear home on Lothian Bank, with the Fisken Family over the wall, and the Lyons Family round the corner, to our current home on Park Road. now, i prepare to leave eskbank, and move to a new home a home in Leith, a home by the water, a home with drunken friends. but eskbank shall always hold a place dear in my heart, and i shall visit as often as possible.

Current Mood: nostalgic
11:04 am
it did take me rather a while to work out how to join this community since i am slightly challenged in working anything remotely technical. but still, i ventured on and did not give in. why i hear you ask? well due to my love of eskbank. although, i do have to say i am not an eskbanker. i live in gorebridge. gorebridge is not as, well, classy as eskbank but it is close by and us midlothianers should stick together.

my first encounter with eskbank was many years ago. when the justinlees was well not so scary, i was taken there for dinner. i remember very little about that dinner, but the fact that it was in eskbank does stick out.

i have a number of friends in eskbank and have spent time at their houses and wandering through eskbank to dalkeith to get buses etc. in fact the dear old x82 takes me through the heart of eskbank everytime i travel to and from town. although, now betsy and me do not travel through eskbank unless we are picking up any of the crew. if not though we take the quicker roads from gorebridge. not as picturesque as eskbank but i am usually running late.
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
10:10 pm
Not one but a skank
has ever come from Eskbank
The life is not normal
And the dress tends to be formal
When you have been
And seen the scene
Of the metal kids
And their black wigs
Of gothic design
you will wish to resign,
Go to Eskbank
You will feel less rank,
It's in the dalkeith,
you won't see brutal keith.

It is shit, i love it.
8:36 pm
ESKBANK: a musical fest - what about it?
i had toyed with the idea of 'eskbank's passion', exploring the eskbank community at the time of jesus' crucifixion, but this was put on the backburner as unfortunately, historical documents available to be utilised did not allow me to explore the nuances of the eskbank district at this time, as would be sufficient for a work of this demand.
however, where a window is closed, another is opened. i now intend this extravaganza to be written, directed, co-directed, stage managed, produced, and of course performed in a unique style. however, it will at times hark to influences of key masters. these will be namely, in no particular order, apart from the former being the former and the latter being the latter:
1 - the guru mr. andrew llyod webber, whose talent is so elevated over modern day professionals in his field that one can only gasp in awe - i intend, in his admirable style, to notably insert snatches of the most popular classical music and lavishly slather them with modern day vocals, so that the masses can eat their classical music with sugar coating
2 - use electronic synthesisers and solar powered turbines to create music inspired by the 20th century 'out-there' genii - Stockhausen, Penderecki, i tip my hat at a rakish angle - in order to create that intolerable torture element that music so missed for 500 years (jeez, THAT'S the soundtrack to the nightmare i had last night)

this work is now in progression.
7:35 pm
Ha ha maybe I should start a Leith or Pilrig community and we who live there can organise nights out to the lovely local pubs round here!!
7:25 pm
I can't believe I just stumbled on this community! I grew up in Eskbank...wierd.

Anyone on here out of the 7 of you actually from Eskbank??
7:04 pm
Last night as I skipped merrily past the Eskbank Trading I saw one "Sexy Alan" emerging, clutching a gargantuan packet of crisps, a loaf, some butter and some plastic knives. He headed purposefully in the direction of the cyclepath and me and my brother could only surmise that he was in for a major session of crisp sandwiches.
"Save one for me, dear friend" I intoned, gaily.
Then all of a sudden, the sky darkened, a horrible creaking noise came from the ground, crows um...crowed and an appalling sulphurous stench filled the air. Sexy Alan turned round in a manner most ominous. I gasped.
Alan, once so sexually charged now looked like Des Lynam after a major bender - grey hair standing on hand, twelve fingers on each hand, tentacles, suckers and antennae everywhere and huge piercing red eyes in the middle of an oversized head.
"but Alan, be reasonable...."
"On the first day, Ancrum Road will sink into the ground and some huge, clockwork replica of the human anus will run around destroying people's gardens."
"On the second day, From deep in the justinlees, a terrible thing will stir.....a sweaty malice unparalleled in its odourous majesty will come round to your houses and shit on your doorstep."
"On the third day, the lizard-queen that lives in the Eskbank Trading will come and spread TEEERible, scurillous rumours about you to your neighbours."
"On the fourth day King's Park will start rotating at a terrible speed, birds will shriek and and pensioners shall tumble in the mud."
"On the fifth day the Esk will turn to yazoo and a plague of penpushers will descend on Eskbank with measuring tape and clipboards"
"On the sixth day all your clothes will turn to denim, all the textiles in your house to leopard-skin and your car will be caravanised"
"and on the seventh most horrific of days, ALAN TITCHMARSH will take the first born of every household in Eskbank and read him extracts from his latest tome of erotic lawnmowering whilst DAVID DICKINSON dances in a manthong on your patio and ANN WIDDECOMBE massages your feet with her haircut!"
"This is how I will take my terrible revenge on your borough unless you let my people go."
It was at this point I remembered that, in enslaving Sexy Alan's entire race to build a pyramid in my garden, I had committed a huge error of judgement. However, if I were to show any sign of weakness or lack of resolve, my position as pharaoh of Eskbank would be under threat.
4:24 am
Where the fuck is eskbank anyway?

Current Mood: confused
Monday, April 26th, 2004
10:40 pm
as a very important afterthought:
i am, of course, one of the first to leap from my chair and say 'yes! eskbank is a place which offers serentity yet interest, free speech, complete representation of all minorities, and all encompassed in a picturesque setting.' however, perhaps blinded by my view as eskbank as a utopia - a brave new world - i have abandoned that quality which all you eskbankians harbour also: an intense desire to make eskbank a better place. it is hard yes, i know, but we must always strive to do this.
and now, my neighbours - both actually and spiritually i hasten to add - there is an exciting new venture exploring an avenue not ever embarked upon.
the first hints leaked in the journal of november_love, i can now EXCLUSIVELY announce the plans are complete for the first ever underground viewing station of eskbank's most secret and passive resident - salvador dali.
back in the times most of us now cannot recall, salvador struggled with his existence in the bitter world. however, he had become familiar with eskbank as a result of a few road trips -the lucky devil-and suddenly recognised it as the place perfect for him to carry on his abstract and surrealist art. after many happy years being housed by my family, in a secret location within eskbank *not disclosed at time of going to press* he died. i am now happy to reveal that salvador's - for those of you who have read this far first name terms are now appropriate - perfectly preserved corpse and last 50 x 50 ft work 'Dissolving Clock and Piano Surrounded by Woodland Creatures' are buried in my back garden. attired in typical clothes of the period, a trip to see salvador is surely a day out that cannot be missed. for those of you who have far to travel, a small fee paid in ducets will buy you a square metre of space in my mother's shed/guesthouse. built in a prime location - that is beside said body and painting - it comprises of walls, floor and roof (in parts) in abundance. for those of you with a keen interest in nature (eskbank horticulture'n'animals 'r' us society take note), closer inspection of interior allows eskbank's fabulous selection of creatures of the insect variety to come to light in a most spectacular style.
there are also plans for attractions such as 'the mind of a surrealist artist' simulator, 'salvador an' me' photo opportunity,'make yer own quik and eazee dali dunkin' donuts' and the like. culture - the possibilites abound.
so come - have you ever just felt, 'gosh! y'know what? i feel like seeing a real, live - well, live at one point - surrealist artist in the flesh, or as close to that as i can manage?' well, your time has arrived!
8:34 pm
hello to all eskbankians. Indeed, it does not matter whether you are a true eskbank native, born and bred; or simply feel that eskbank spirit in your being - I salute you all. Indeed I, who many would say embodies that cheery eskank charm, did not come to this delightful community until my sixth year of life. Imagine! 6 whole years I spent festering, yes festering, in the place of despondency more commonly called newington. even a young child, i felt something was missing. i had everything - a place to lay my head at night, food to eat, and a little garden where i could water the plants in my own flowerbed with a shiny red watering can. a girl could not wish for more. and yet....i used to gaze into the distance and think, 'there must be something else.' for you that have never felt the call of eskbank, you simply cannot understand. but at the tender age of 6, some may say a pivital point in a child's existence, i was uprooted. in our little mini, we travelled far and wide to search for our next residence. we looked here, we looked there. to be honest, we almost gave up. and then, on the spur of the moment, my parents saw a house for sale in a small district called eskbank. 'eskbank' i said. it had a certain ring to it, a particular rich resonance that i instantaneously realised would be symbolic of the inimitable lure one only finds in special places.
so we drove.
we passed by way of dalkeith, and my face pressed eagerly against the window, i witnessed the jovial locals engaging in the merry banter that one can only hear and say 'ah...eskbank/dalkeith'. the market displayed an array of goods that i had never encountered before - rugs that one could drop food on and it would never be noticed; clothes that you could rip, dirty and lose and your mother would say not one word (hurrah!!)
and we drove.
past the park, where the little ones wriggled on the freshly cut grass, and the elderly slumbered and remembered the days of olde eskankk - a time bathed in golden light.
and we drove.
as we speeded to the roundabout, i spied the landmark which arguably, is the true symbol of eskbank (perhaps i speak in haste - there are so many)yes, let us cry together - 'the justin!' as we rounded the corner, i spied an old fellow, in the latter stages of severe intoxication, staggering around but still managing a jolly wave and wink to all the residents walking by, and i thought:
i belong.
and so i came to reside in eskbank, and have spent many a happy time in its winding streets (who cares if they are not cobbled), lush green parks, and quaint stores. and, if eskbank was not oh-so-perfect enough, it has now heaved its tremendous heritage with a bang, dare i say, into the 21st century, with its own online community.
i hope you know how much you mean to us, dear, dear eskbank.
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
9:29 pm
There once was a midget called Fred
Who lived in the Lyons family's shed
He was studying law
But his one fatal flaw
Was the outrageous size of his head

There once was a man from Dalkeith
Who held an uncanny belief
He believed that Eskbank
Was uncultured and dank
And was soon proven wrong, to his grief

In Eskbank there once was a lass
Who was rather enormous in mass
Her height times her weight
Times her fattening rate
Gave the square root of the size of her ass
Saturday, April 24th, 2004
10:40 pm

Eskbank has always been close to my heart, having visited it several times in my youth. Each time I visited it, I was astounded by its exquisite beauty and the wealth of fascinating people who dwelt within its (possibly debatable) boundaries. Many of my comrades (not in the revolutionary sense, I hasten to add) have lived for years in Eskbank - some of them have lived there their whole lives (lucky things).

I moved to Eskbank three years ago. As the surrealist painter and all-round legend, Salvador Dali, once said, "Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy — the joy of living in Eskbank — and I ask myself in rapture, ‘What wonderful things this Salvador Dalí is going to accomplish today, in Eskbank?" I really couldn't have put it better myself.

It's late, I shall leave it there.

November Love.

Current Mood: cheerful
10:49 pm
Hello, Brian Alan here. Few people know of me, though I have been a long-serving foot soldier of Eskbank, for I have spent the last 21 years in my garage working on a certain project of mine. Only recently, as the demands of my project have decreased, have I been able to step outside and truly behold the beauty of Eskbank. It really is breath taking at this time of year. I was first coaxed into The Glorious by the spoken word tour of Sexy Alan. I witnessed his first performance in the "Just", and quite frankly was disgusted at the nerve of the man. To describe that sleazy shambles of drooling, farting and muttering threateningly as spoken word was entirely misleading. The only audible sentance he managed to string together went something along the lines of: "Ill kill you all, and then when youve been dead a while, I'll have sex with you" Truly hideous.
10:36 pm
Turf War
Kirkliston > Eskbank

(that is all)
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